I remember how many times I called myself a loser – maybe not too many. But I had never remembered asking why I was calling myself as such. I should not actually see myself as a loser, no one should, so I thought of asking, what is failure? Is failure something the person can have an accurate definition of? Is it something self-determined or is it a collective agreement among cultures?

When I try to reflect on my own experience and the difference between my cultural background and now as a migrant, I can see that failure has a relative definition. What can be seen as a failure in one culture is totally seen differently in another. Not only the culture plays a role, but also the gender.

Let me explain with a simple example, how a woman will see herself in her mid-thirties in Europe and the Middle East. How will she see herself given some basic information? Let me say that this first case woman is pretty, has a career, is successful and is determined. In Europe, she will feel great, the society will see her as a successful model. The impact of society will let her feel successful and failure is not a question. The exact same woman in the Middle East will be seen by society as incomplete, she failed to have a family of her own and children. So, despite her success, she might see herself as a loser because society sees that.

Let me change some of the givens in this second case, a pretty woman in her mid-thirties, has no job but has a beautiful family and children. In Europe she might be seen as a strange model, what made her dump her career and success for a family, this can wait. She regrets her decision as a result and sees herself as nothing but a loser. The same woman in the Middle East will be seen as a successful woman with a family and she will feel the success.

But what if both women in the two cases are thinking differently? Will they be able to see themselves as successful or as losers without putting society’s definition in mind? I really don’t know if they can.

When I see myself as a woman with children in Europe being defined as an unnormal young mother (although I am not from my perspective), I feel that I am strange. And when I see my struggle to find a clear career path due to motherhood and not being given the opportunity, I feel the stress, the failure not from my own perspective but from the number of times that I have to explain my situation.  No one really wants to understand, it is pretty obvious and fundamental what failure is.

When I first said that failure is culture and gender dependent, I had in mind this stereotypical image that society rarely saw a man as I loser. I am not a man I cannot tell, but I think it is way more flexible than is by woman. Please feel free to write down in the comment if you have a story.

I will not see myself as a loser, you too shouldn’t, not even one single time. I will appreciate what I have feel grateful and never look to others’ own definition of FALIURE.